Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
