Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
