Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Your cock deserves a montage
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
