RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
