The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
