He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
