Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
