Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
