Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
