I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
