youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
