omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My ass is underappreciated
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
