You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
