Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
