Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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