I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
