enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
porn star boner night. come get it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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