remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
