So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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