Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
