the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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