Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
