The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
