The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
