How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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