oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
