Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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