Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
