I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your penis caused this!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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