it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
