wakey wakey hands off snakey
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
