yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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