You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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