It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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