I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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