If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
