i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
