Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
