Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
