Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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