If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
