So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
