So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
