Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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