I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
