i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
