Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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