Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
