her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
