you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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