I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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