Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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