Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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